working mama blues

So I've come to the conclusion that being a working mom is the pits.  I'm sitting on my bed right now with my laptop bag on hubby's side, with papers strewn everywhere, with a pen, a pencil and my gradebook open.  And I'm writing a blog.  Ha.  And all I want to do right now is go to bed.

Really, though. I'm struggling.  I want to know how other moms who don't want to work handle the range of emotions I'm feeling on a daily basis.  I want to high five and give an award to the single moms out there who are hard working and doing everything they can and need to do to take good care of their children.  I know, I know- I work part time, and so I have it made right?  Well, in some ways, yes. I know I am very lucky to have the schedule I have.  But it doesn't make the lump in my throat when I drop my baby off at day care any smaller.  And it doesn't make the tears stop coming down on my drive to work from day care, lump still in throat.  And when I get home, the papers unfortunately don't grade themselves, nor do the lessons get planned by the lesson planning fairy.  Sigh.  Just give me this one, okay?  It's been a tough day.

I know there are lots of moms out there who want to work.  They love what they do, and they could never stay home full time.  I get that.  Staying home full time is also really hard work, and there are definitely tough days where I think, "I'm glad today is a day care day!" for a fleeting second.  But most days right now, I'm not happy leaving her. It feels wrong somehow.  I think the main problem I'm having is that leaving her goes against all my natural instincts as a mother.  How can I wear my baby if she's not with me?  How can I nurse on demand?  I feel like I'm not providing her with the most basic of her needs- access to her mother.  But here I am, working part time as a teacher, taking care of other people's children (and they are wonderful, which is another reason I am grateful for my job, and probably the only reason I haven't already thrown in the towel), and missing my girl like crazy.

So how do you moms do it?  Does it get easier?  Harder?  I'm already dreading picking her up at day care to be told she had a first and I missed it.  Man, here comes that lump in my throat.  Gotta get back to those papers...

Teething, saying NO and other fun stuff

My little sparkler has learned how to say no.  She shakes her head, pretty hard too, in response to a number of things.  Tonight, she said no to carrots.  She puts it in her mouth, sucks it for a second, shakes no, and spits it out.  I'm not ready for my baby to know how to say no!

We're working on tooth number three right now.  Over the weekend, we had left her Baltic amber teething necklace at day care, and we had  rough weekend for sure.  I'm pretty amazed at the difference in her when she does and doesn't wear the necklace.  I was a bit skeptical at first when buying it, but we were desperate and would have tried anything at that point.  I am a big believer now, and I highly recommend one, especially if you want to avoid giving your baby any medication for teething.  This in combination with the Hyland's Homeopathic Teething Tablets and Gum-Omile Oil have been a lifesaver.  Before we discovered all these remedies, E was waking up every 1-1.5 hrs crying in pain, and the few times we did give her tylenol or motrin, it didn't help at all.  It was rough.  I highly recommend these products!

I'm also going to become a doula.  And a certified herbalist.  More on that to come later :)

day care

I was home with E for 8 months before she started day care. I was really heart broken about leaving her, and I worried so much about going back to work,  and about how I would work out pumping, and her not taking a bottle.  So many things to think about.

Things have been going pretty well, but now my girl cries when I hand her over to leave. I end up driving to work with a lump in my throat, even though I know she only cries for a few minutes.  The good news is that she has been slowly adjusting to her new routine and had an excellent 3 days there this week so far.  She had been getting really overstimulated and stressed out with all the kids and all the noise.  We live in the middle of nowhere and she was home with just me for so long. I knew it would be hard on her, and I felt so awful knowing she was having such a hard time.  But this week all went well.

I think the stress was trickling into our life at home, too.  She had been having a really hard time at bedtime since she started day care.  It's been a pretty stressful 5 weeks at our house between 6:30 and about 8.  Tonight (knock on wood), she fell asleep easily, and she talked to herself for about 2 minutes when I put her down before falling asleep.  I am so relieved!  I'm hoping that since she seems to be transitioning, things will continue to get a bit easier for us at home.

I still wish daddy could do drop off.  It stinks to have to hand her over when I feel like she should be with me.  But I do give lots of credit to full time working moms.  I don't know you do it. I'm so grateful that I can work part time and that I get 1 extra day a week with her.  It definitely makes a difference, and my school is such an amazing place for making this work for my family.

Speaking of my school, I'll put in this little plug.  We need donations!  If anyone wants to support an amazing place where we strive every day to help kids be successful, please consider donating.  Donations, no matter how small, do add up.

Babywearing

If it weren't for our Beco and Mei Tai, I can't imagine what my house would look like.  I don't know how the food shopping would have ever gotten done.  I don't think I would have ever taken E out for a walk.  I doubt I'd still be alive because I would never have been able to make dinner and eat again.  Thank goodness for baby carriers!

There are so many benefits to wearing a baby.  Lately, I've been a little bit obsessed with winning an ergo in a contest on facebook.  Sure, I could just go out and buy one, but who has an extra hundred bucks laying around these days?  We certainly don't.  So I'm entering and hoping one of these days I'll get lucky.  In the meantime, here's some info on the benefits to wearing your baby, especially a high needs baby like my little sparkler, and my little review of our beco and our mei tai.

Mei Tai


I bought my mei tai on craigslist from a woman who said her baby didn't like to be worn.  I was a bit nervous about using it because the straps were a little intimidating, but it was so affordable ($35) that I didn't feel like it would be a huge loss if I didn't end up liking it.  I needed something easier to use than the moby wrap for when we were taking a trip to Denver.  I didn't want to be dragging the moby all over the airport floor.  And in all honesty, I didn't like the moby.  Once I got used to using the straps and tying her in there properly, E and I both loved using the mei tai.  We used it a lot when she was between 3-7 months, but mine doesn't have any padding on the shoulder straps and she got to be too heavy at about 16 or 17 pounds.  I can still use it with her, but only for very short periods of time. Anything requiring me to hold her for longer than a half an hour means we'll be using our beco.  The mei tai is great because it can fit anyone who might want to wear the baby without constantly needing to be readjusted.  The straps allow for anyone to adjust it to the tightness that is comfortable for them. It's really cute and folds up very small for easy storage in a diaper bag.  It's a great carrier, but if you want one to last for a heavier weight, get a kozy that has padding!  Here we are in our mei tai:

Um, it was obviously pretty sunny that day :)

Beco Butterfly II


Once E started to get too heavy for the mei tai, I really wanted to invest in a soft backpack carrier.  I didn't want a bjorn because most people I knew who had one said they got back aches from it once the baby got too heavy. I wanted something that would last until she was a toddler because I'm sure she'll still be clinging to my legs when she's 2 and I'll have to wear her to make dinner :)
Husband and I went to mothers and company and tried on the beco and the ergo.  We both ended up liking the beco better because E was so small and we are both pretty small people as well.  It seemed to fit us better at the time.  We also loved that we could hand her over to someone else without having to take her out of the carrier, and the designs were so pretty.  We really loved the ergo too, but at the time, we decided the beco was the better choice for us.  Now I want an ergo too!    Here's a pic of husband and E in the beco:

I love this picture!

I would definitely encourage all moms to wear their babies.  There are so many benefits to it, especially for a baby that is difficult to soothe.  When we had long hard days in the early spring, one of the only ways I could soothe my little spark was to strap her on to my chest and take her for a walk.  Often it was the only place she would take a nap as well.  Now she gets excited because when I put her in the beco on my back, she has a great opportunity to yank at my hair, which is one of her favorite games.

I'm hoping I get lucky and win an ergo.  And maybe Santa will bring me a kozy for Christmas.  A girl's gotta have options right?  And baby carriers seem to be my most favorite accessory... besides the baby.

Naps?! Those are for babies!

I'm not sure how exactly a 9 month old can go 12 consecutive hours with no sleep.  But somehow, she does it. She did it on Thursday, and again on Saturday, and again on Sunday.  I just don't get it!

My little spark does not like to nap.  She does nap well at day care, but I think it's because she's stimulated by all the kids and everyone else naps, so she figures she'll join in the fun.  But at home, she refuses.  We have tried everything.  She'll fall asleep nursing with me, but then as soon as I put her down, she's awake, and she cries and cries no matter what I do.  I end up quitting on naps because I hate hearing her scream.

The crazy thing is that before she started day care, she was taking a solid 2-2.5 hr nap with me in the mornings, and then usually a 30-45 minute nap in the afternoon. It was awesome!  But I'm trying to just not worry, and as long as she sleeps enough at night so that she's happy the next morning, it's no big deal.  Right?  Sigh.

baby led weaning = messy messy kitchen

Sparkie and I were at Uno's today with a couple of our friends, and our waitress asked how old she is.  She was asking because she has a 4 month old baby, who she is nursing (high five!), and she wanted to know when it's safe to give a baby table food.  I love talking about baby led weaning :)  I told her that we have never pureed foods, we've always just given her food to play with.  She doesn't eat much, but she's starting to eat a lot more now that she's 9 months.  It took a long time for her to figure it out, but I'm glad she did it in her own time without me pushing her into it.  It was really cool to talk to the waitress about it, and to have another mom friend there who also talked about her experience and talked about making your own baby food if you do want to puree food.  Every baby is so different and I think they all end up letting you know one way or another when they are ready.

There is also some good info here on kellymom about when to start solids.  It talks about the benefits of waiting and how it helps strengthen the immune system.  I'm really glad that we didn't start solids until later on so that Sparkie could get the benefit of being on a breast milk only diet well into her 7th month of life.  She was playing with food at 6 months, but didn't really ingest anything until sometime close to 8 months.

Anybody want to chime in about their own experiences?  When did you start solids?  Did you do cereal & purees, or did you do baby led weaning?  The bigger question is, how dirty is your kitchen floor?  :)

Here's a pic of my Spark enjoying some banana and cantaloupe.

The book I read after seeing stuff on kellymom's website is called Baby Led Weaning, by Gill Rapley.  It talks about the history of feeding purees and cereals (fascinating stuff about how babies literally needed it to survive when formula was first invented because the formula back then was not as nutritious as it is today), and it talked about how people in most cultures don't use purees.  Once babies have teeth and can chew, and can literally grab food and eat it, then you know they are ready.  That was the way with E.  She showed some interest around 6 months, but I'm pretty sure she would have eaten paper if I let her as well.  Then she wasn't interested in food at all and decided it was way more fun to mush things up in her hands instead.  How much juice can I get out of this piece of cantaloupe?  How mushy can I get this banana?  How long will it take for this piece of broccoli to hit the floor if I throw it this hard?  So inquisitive, my girl.  

The book gives you all the tools you need to get started. It explains the gag reflex and how it works and changes as the baby gets older, and it lists the foods that are easiest to start with.  The nice thing is that I can give her almost anything I am eating without having to make or bring along anything special.  It's a lot of fun, but it's extremely messy.  E is still just figuring it out, and there are times when she won't even bring a piece of food we've given her to her mouth. But I'm not really concerned.  I love nursing her, and I know she's getting everything she needs from me for now.

Home birth

http://icpa4kids.org/Wellness-Articles/the-home-birth-advantage-the-physical-and-emotional-benefits-of-birthing-at-home.html

This is a great article on the benefits of giving birth at home.  I wish home births were more common in this country.  I've only ever experienced a home birth, and obviously there are times when a hospital/medicated birth are completely necessary for the safety of mother and baby.  But too often I hear stories from friends or friends of friends who were led into a path of interventions that were not necessary.  I wish there was a way to take the fear out of childbirth in our culture.  I think if you're well prepared and understand the changes your body will go through to deliver the baby, it doesn't have to be so scary!  At least it wasn't for me.  Ultimately, women need to give birth wherever they feel most safe and comfortable, no matter the place.

On another note, here's a funny little sketch from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arCITMfxvEc

More on home birth to come!  I have an idea for a blog about it, but it will require a lot more time to research than I have at the moment.  I hope it will inspire women to at least look into it and read about it, and not just assume it's crazy to do. It's really not!  And it might end up being the best decision you made in the end.  Any home birth midwives reading the blog who care to chime in on the topic?

It's my first blog post!

This is my first attempt at a blog. I've been wanting to do this for a while, mostly as a place where I can compile interesting information about breast feeding, parenting, baby wearing,  home birth, etc, that I want to have access to in one place (and can share easily).  But I also want to reach out to other new moms who might feel isolated or alone in the very hard world of parenting a new baby, especially a sparkler.

My girl is a sparkler, I learned today.  I read this post:

http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2010/09/22/is-he-a-good-baby/

Nobody has ever asked me if E is a good baby.  But I do get asked all the time, "How's she sleeping?"  Why is that the default question?  It seems to be the only question people tend to ask, and people ask it from the start.  In fact, it got so bad that when people ask how she's doing in general, I now always respond with something to do with sleep.  As if that's the only thing that occurs in the life of a baby.  She's sleeping pretty good these days in general, with a few really hard days here and there.  But it was a long road to get here!  Still though, if I had a do over, I would worry a lot less about sleep.  I would have invested in a really good sling to wear her in all day with access to nursing whenever she wanted.  I think she needed to be held more, even though it felt like I did hold her most of the day, and she slept on my chest for about the first month of her life.  I'll definitely do things a little differently with the next baby.

I think what most makes my girl a sparkler though is her cry.  She doesn't really cry I guess.  She screams.  And sometimes, no matter what I do, she's going to keep screaming until she's good and ready to stop.  It has on many occasions made me feel like a bad parent.  I must be doing something wrong for my baby to cry like THAT.  Even when I wear her, or rock her, or try to nurse her, she will push me away.  I have felt that isolation and rejection the mother in the post linked above talks about.  I think that's why that post spoke to me so much.

I wonder how many other moms out there have felt that way but were afraid to tell someone how they felt.  I've sometimes been afraid to be honest for fear of being judged, but I've decided it's too important not to share. It might help another new mom tremendously to know she's not alone.  Anyone else feel this way sometimes?