So I've come to the conclusion that being a working mom is the pits. I'm sitting on my bed right now with my laptop bag on hubby's side, with papers strewn everywhere, with a pen, a pencil and my gradebook open. And I'm writing a blog. Ha. And all I want to do right now is go to bed.
Really, though. I'm struggling. I want to know how other moms who don't want to work handle the range of emotions I'm feeling on a daily basis. I want to high five and give an award to the single moms out there who are hard working and doing everything they can and need to do to take good care of their children. I know, I know- I work part time, and so I have it made right? Well, in some ways, yes. I know I am very lucky to have the schedule I have. But it doesn't make the lump in my throat when I drop my baby off at day care any smaller. And it doesn't make the tears stop coming down on my drive to work from day care, lump still in throat. And when I get home, the papers unfortunately don't grade themselves, nor do the lessons get planned by the lesson planning fairy. Sigh. Just give me this one, okay? It's been a tough day.
I know there are lots of moms out there who want to work. They love what they do, and they could never stay home full time. I get that. Staying home full time is also really hard work, and there are definitely tough days where I think, "I'm glad today is a day care day!" for a fleeting second. But most days right now, I'm not happy leaving her. It feels wrong somehow. I think the main problem I'm having is that leaving her goes against all my natural instincts as a mother. How can I wear my baby if she's not with me? How can I nurse on demand? I feel like I'm not providing her with the most basic of her needs- access to her mother. But here I am, working part time as a teacher, taking care of other people's children (and they are wonderful, which is another reason I am grateful for my job, and probably the only reason I haven't already thrown in the towel), and missing my girl like crazy.
So how do you moms do it? Does it get easier? Harder? I'm already dreading picking her up at day care to be told she had a first and I missed it. Man, here comes that lump in my throat. Gotta get back to those papers...
I really haven't figured this out. How does a mom (no matter how many hours she works) get it ALL done? I feel a lot of pressure these days not only to get it done, but to be great at everything I do. My boss said that he wants the best from me while I'm in the office. Well, I had 2 hours of sleep and I'm stressed out to the max... ok, you have my best but it may not equal out to much. I think it's just about getting by without hurting yourself or the baby at this point. haha... ok, a little more than that. Us tired and stressed out moms need to be forgiving of ourselves. Everything doesn't have to be perfect and if our kids are in daycare... maybe all we need to do is greet our babies with a smile and let them know that they are loved - by the best mommy they could ever have! Hang in there mama... they say it gets better.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I'm running on no empty and I'm practically blind. Don't be upset at my horrible grammer or bad spelling :-)
haha! No worries; I'll put aside my grammar and spell check for now because you made some great points! We do need to be more forgiving of ourselves. We don't need to be perfect! I think the hard thing in teaching is that I have to be "on" all the time. I guess that's true in most jobs, but heck, I can't even pee when I want to! I'm also having a hard time giving the best of myself to my students. It's so hard to be the best on little sleep. And when my mind is always wandering to a certain little tiny someone who is waiting for me to pick her up. Sigh. Thanks for your comment though- it helps to see how other mamas handle it in their own situations.
ReplyDeleteI stay home now and I still can't get it all done! I do have five kiddos to take care of, but I think a mom's job is never done... no matter how many hours you put in during the day. You go to sleep thinking about what you could have done differently or better that day, and you wake up thinking about what the kids need. It gets even crazier when they start extracurricular activities!
ReplyDeleteMariel - teaching is a very difficult profession to be in when you are a mother. I was always exhausted because you are right - you have to be "on" all the time. And when you get home you have to be "on" all the time, too. It's very demanding and the amount of energy required is insane! You are essentially raising kids from the time you get up until you go to sleep. Oh, wait - you get the drive to and from work, or to and from daycare when you can just be by yourself! Hahaha!
It's not so much that it gets better... you get used to it... like anything else. The only time I found it easier to not be with my children all the time was when they started school - preschool, kindergarten... then I knew it was important for them to not be with me - that they had to start the road to independence and had to learn lots of things that perhaps I could teach them, but they would better learn in the social school setting.
Chin up - it's just starting! =)